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I Tried Cooking From A Book About Nothing

January 16th, 2011 • Random, Video • No comments

I can’t cook. Period. Full stop.

I can barely boil an egg properly. I took cooking class in high school and sucked at it.

I’ve gotten breakfast down to a science now where all I have is fruit. No one can mess that up. Lunch is another story.

To keep things simple, I did the Joey Tribbiani and just had nothing but sandwiches. Mainly chicken breast mixed in with a chicken salad, tomatoes, cucumbers, honey mustard, and some other stuff. Well, after a year of doing that, I was about to barf just at the sight of another sandwich on last Thursday. I just couldn’t do it.

I decided it was time I learn how to cook. I basically had two options:
1 – Taking a cooking class
2 – Get a cook book

Now, if you know anything about me, it’s that I’m antisocial and don’t know how to talk to people, be it women or men, but definitely have no clue what to say to women. My biggest fear was that I’d get paired up with a girl and before you know it I’d be kicked out of the class for saying/doing something stupid.

Think of me as a billion times worse than Howard from The Big Bang Theory.

Taking all that into account, I decided to go with the cook book. I went to the book store (which by the way is a great place to meet hot women that will reject you…eerrrr me) and there were so many cook books there that I was totally overwhelmed by it.

I made sure to just see the books with lots of pictures so I’d know what the hell I’m supposed to do/make. After browsing a crap load of them, I stumbled upon Jessica Seinfeld’s Double Delicious Cook. That’s right, Jerry Seinfeld’s wife wrote a cook book about nothing. Okay, I’m kidding about the nothing part.

The book is actually pretty good and makes things simple-ish. I took a picture of the recipe for a Lemon chicken and headed down to the grocery store. Not knowing where anything was, I had to ask anyone and everyone that works there to tell me where to find the stuff I was looking for.

….An hour later, I had what I needed. I get to the cashier and the girl that I have a thing for was working tonight. She’s super cute and easy going. I’m trying to find the best way to ask her out, but people keep getting in line behind me and I’d find it weird asking her out with all everyone watching. Though I did make her laugh a few times during the checkout and called her a stalker jokingly as she asked for me ID. I’ll try again tomorrow.

As I’m walking home, I see this crazy ass psycho dude that was evicted from my building standing outside, looking like he waiting for someone to open the door so he could get in. This guy….fucking psycho. Left a crap load of blood in the elevator once, and caused a whole load of other issues. As soon as I saw him, I turned around and went and waited outside a coffee shop. It didn’t help that it was pissing outside.

About 10 minutes later, I go back, and I still see the car with the girl that was there with him earlier parked outside. I don’t see him though, so I go into my building, get in the elevator, and before you know it, I see him running across the lobby screaming at someone.

I get into my apartment and call the building management, and they tell me to call the cops. I call the cops, and they want me to verify that the guy is still down there before they send anyone. I go back down (shitting my pants), but can’t find him, though I see that the car is still parked outside. I go back upstairs and call the cops again, and they tell that unless he’s doing something illegal, they can’t do anything about it.

Yip. E.

Back to my cooking.

I go through the instructions, and I start to get confused right away. I get through it, but as I’m almost done, I realize that the recipe was for 6 people, and I’m only doing it for myself. FUCK! Reminded me of that episode of Seinfeld where Kramer fucks up on his cooking.

Wow, Seinfeld is everywhere tonight.

So, you’re probably wanting to see what it looks like. The first image is what it’s supposed to look like.

…aaaaaaand this is what I made.

A little burnt. A little…a lot not like what it was supposed to look like. Now, I haven’t tasted it as I’m waiting to eat it tomorrow for lunch, so I’ll let you know how it turns out then.

So, She Didn’t Cancel

January 16th, 2011 • Babes, Random, Video • No comments

In my previous post, I mentioned that I’m preferring it if girls cancel our hanging out sessions, and was hoping the girl I was going to hangout with later that night and see a movie with would cancel.

She didn’t cancel, but she was late for the movie. We saw the Disney animation, Tangled, which was HILARIOUS.

As I was waiting for her to show up, I was looking at all the hot girls going to the movies. Man, I don’t know how guys that are in relationships can handle being in a relationship, when EVERY fiber in their body is telling them to go and try to mate with these hot women walking around.

There were so many beautiful women, all different nationality’s. The Asian girls were dressed to the 10′s. Damn they are fine. I wish I had a chance with them.

Maybe I should have some plastic surgery on Monday to turn myself into an effeminate Asian boy with a bad hair cut, since that’s all the Asian girls seem to like. Though on my bus ride home there was a Japanese girl with a black guy. It was after midnight and I was starting to wonder if hell had frozen over.

The movie was an animation, and I started thinking, you ever see an animated movie and go “damn, that chick is hot”? What? Don’t judge me. You know you have!

I was thinking it would be funny if the guy is looking at the animated girl while he’s at the movies with his girlfriend and thinks to himself “damn, she’s hotter than my girlfriend”.

After the movie, we went for a appetizer and drink, where I was thinking “yah, I’d hit that”. I was thinking of asking her out again tomorrow for a dinner at this Chinese place I’ve been wanting to try, but….that may have come off as desperate. I mean, she refused to call me the other day on the phone, so…you never know.

I Like It When They Cancel

January 15th, 2011 • Random • No comments

I was supposed to meet up with a girl this morning to hangout, and the from the moment we set the meeting up, to an hour before I was supposed to meet her, I was trying to think of an excuse to get the hell out of it. I don’t know why, but I just had no interest in hanging out with her. She’s good looking, normal, and fun, but meh.

So about an hour before I was supposed to meet her, I logged on to MSN and she sent a message saying she got called into work because someone else was sick. YES!

Now, I have no idea if she was just making that up because she didn’t want to hangout either, but whatever, I didn’t care, I was happy.

I’m supposed to meet another friend tonight for a movie, and there’s really no way I can get out of that unless she cancels on me, which I’m hoping she’ll do.

The movie starts at 9, and she pretty much wants to meet right before the movie starts. No meeting for a coffee first, or a drink, or anything, and wants the late show, and then to go home after. How boring is that? Maybe that’s her way of only seeing me for a bit, and then getting the hell out of there. Either way, I’m hoping she cancels.

Maybe if they were both hot, cameltoed , tanned blondes with perfect, luscious, round breasts and small nipples, I wouldn’t be hoping that they’d cancel…..but meh.

According to this Dr, I should be honest about it. BAH!

Ever Heard Of Pulling Out?

January 14th, 2011 • Sex, WTF • No comments

So….there’s some horny kids at this high school (via MSNBC)

About 90 teenage girls at one public high school in Memphis, Tenn., are either pregnant or have had a baby this school year, according to media reports.

Frayser High School has 978 students – 508 of which are girls. That means nearly 18 percent of teen girls at Frayser are either currently pregnant or recently had babies.

As a Title One school, Frayser receives federal dollars based on the number of students from low-income families who qualify for free or reduced lunch, according to WMC-TV.

Pregnancy is not a new problem for the school, one Frayser graduate says. “When we would come back from summer break, there would be a thousand people pregnant. We were like, what’s going on?” Alicia Williamson told KTUU. Williamson graduated from Frayser in 2004. She added, “There were a whole lot of bellies. You had to watch out so you didn’t bump into them. Being 2011, I thought a lot of them would have thought this is not the right way to go, having babies during school time.”

The high school I went to had a daycare, so all the other highschools’ in the city would send us all their knocked up girls, giving the impression my highschool was filled with girls that liked to fuck. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case, except for this one girl that banged five guys on graduation night, and this other girl that was a hooker for a bit. But that was it. The rest were Asian chicks that wouldn’t even hold your hand.

But seriously, if you’re a guy, thats got to be a cool place to go to school. The girls seem to put out pretty easily.

Lots of sperm wars going on there.

As Kramer Said, Cat Fight!

January 14th, 2011 • Babes, Celebs • No comments

Now this is a Cat Fight we can all enjoy (via National Enquirer):

“You’re a man-hungry tramp!” SCARLETT JOHANSSON exploded in rage when her pal SANDRA BULLOCK betrayed her by cozying up to estranged hubby RYAN REYNOLDS — before the ink on their divorce papers was even dry.

The blonde beauty, 26, wanted her bitter words to get back to Sandra “because she still has intense feelings for Ryan and feels Sandra isn’t respecting that at all,” revealed a friend.

Scarlett is having second thoughts about her recent split and has been holding out hope of reconciliation – -but now Sandy has captured Ryan’s attention and has even gone out on the town with him.

“Sandra may be known as ‘America’s Sweetheart,’ but she’s NO sweetheart to Scarlett,” declared the friend.

Wow, is Ryan Reynolds ever a lucky SOB. I don’t think I’d know what to do if I had two babes fighting over me like that.

Naturally the first I would probably end up doing (involuntarily), is jizzing in my pants, and then, asking Scarlett and Sandra if they’d be up for a threesome.

Oh look at this, some dude squeezing Scarletts’ tits.

Effeminate Dude At Train Station

January 13th, 2011 • Transit • No comments

Let me start this post by saying that as a transit user, I’m use to seeing things that make me go “hmmmmm” all the time on public transit. Anyone’s who has ever been on any form of public transit has seem or heard something weird.

Well, earlier this evening as I was waiting for the train home, these two people showed up on the platform, making me go “hmmmmm”.

I couldn’t tell if it was a lesbian couple, or the worlds most effeminate Asian man, ever.

I asked two of my coworkers and they confirmed that the person that I thought was a chick is indeed a male. Normally I don’t have any problems figuring out a persons gender. For example, I’m great at spotting tranny’s. Plus, my gaydar, even on the most femme lesbians is pretty fucking awesome if I do say so myself.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

The girl he was with wasn’t anything really special. Tallish, skinny Asian girl.

Generally speaking, Asian guys that are straight out of Hong Kong are definitely more effeminate, but this dude took it to whole other level. On top of that, he had the worst haircut ever. It was beyond bad. Add to that his horrible dye job.

I shouldn’t criticize, he’s got a girl with him and I’m still getting rejected by BBW’s on craigslist….but seriously…I’m just say’n.

It got to the point where I just couldn’t look at them anymore. It was almost like a show I was watching last night on great white sharks, where the showed the sexual organs of a male shark. I was so disgusted by it that I just had to change the channel. That’s how I felt at the train station.

Oh look, it’s porn star Sophie Dee. What’s she doing here?!

Met A Girl From POF

January 11th, 2011 • Random, Technology • No comments

So I finally met a girl from POF in person last night, and it was pretty good.

She showed up a bit late, but what female doesn’t. They all have to be fashionably late. Luckily I had my kick ass new Samsung Focus Windows Phone to keep me company.

via Mobile Jaw

When I arrived at the coffee shop, I needed to get a drink first. I always get water. I can’t drink tea or coffee. A, it stains my teeth, and B, for coffee anyway, it’s an acquired taste that I have not acquired. To be frank, it tastes disgusting. I don’t understand how the rest of the population can drink that stuff. It tastes like dirt. Seriously. What is wrong with you people?

I get my water, and start looking for a place to sit. They have a row of bar stools that go across the entire length of the coffee shop, but there’s always people camped out all over the place with the laptops, etc there. So I take a seat at a table. As I’m sitting at said table, I start to realize how low the chairs are and how uncomfortable I’m starting to feel sitting there, feeling like a little person. Not only that, I realize I’d be facing this girl, and that may get weird. I like to sit side be side.

I look around and finally find a stool and with a couple other seats around it free, so I take that and sit there, surfing the net on my phone while I wait for the chick to show up.

As I’m sitting there, I turn my head a little just to see who’s around, not wanting to make a first meeting even more awkward with people being able to listen to the very first conversation I have with this girl. I have no idea how the meeting will go, if it goes well, then it’s all good, but if it goes horribly to shit, then some random person will be listening in on the entire thing, especially the weird silences that always happens.

Luckily for me, there wasn’t anyone around that would make this weird for us.

She finally shows up, and phew(!), she’s cute. Granted I’d already seen her pictures, but as we all know, girls know how to make themselves look good. Good lighting, different angles, etc.

I won’t get into all the stuff we chatted about (mostly because all of it was so random that I wouldn’t know where to to start), but it was definitely one of the better conversations with a chick (whether new or someone that I’ve known for years) that I’ve had.

I got to talk about evolution (one of my favorite subjects) for a bit, though she did threaten to punch me if I continued to discuss evolution. Why did she do that you ask? Well, because I was using evolution as an “excuse” for everything that men do that women like. But it does go both ways. Women always complain about men thinking with their penises, etc, but don’t seem to realize that men only put up with their shit because they think there may be a remote chance of getting laid.

Sheesh.

Anyway, good times, as we were there for a couple hours. I’ll let you know if we meet again.

via fffound.com

And no, this is not the girl I met, but hey, who doesn’t like to see a cute girl in the shower with balloons? That’s right.

I Love Lamp

January 9th, 2011 • Babes • No comments

It was a gorgeous day today so I decided to go out for a nice walk and take in the fresh hair. Before I knew it, it had been two hours and I was still walking around my neighborhood, taking in the sights and sounds.

Now, I never really venture out that much, but on this winter’s day, the weather was just too good to pass up.

What comes with good weather? Beautiful women dressed to impress, no matter how cold it is. One thing that I’ve noticed is that Asian women (who are all racist because they only like Caucasian or Asian men), especially the ones new to my new city from their country, will dress in mini skirts in and high heels no matter the weather. Not that I’m complaining, I just wish I had a shot with them.

No idea who this beautiful Asian girl is, but I’m a fan.

Oh, and in case you’re a fan of The Onion, the world’s greatest news paper, apparently they’re coming out with a spoof of ESPN’s Sports Center. Click here to check it out.
via NyTimes
An excerpt:

Bettman fakes his kidnapping (by N.H.L. players), complete with a hostage video. O’Neal has a heart attack (his fourth of the season), which temporarily kills him, and a stroke, yet keeps playing against Oklahoma City. James, Chris Bosh and Dwyane Wade demand 27 changes to N.B.A. rules (dribbling is optional if your dunk is sweet).

Another Girl Messaged Me On POF!

January 8th, 2011 • Random, Video • No comments

Friends, great news from the western front! Another girl messaged me from POF! She commented on how she loved my shirt.
That was it.

I replied with what I thought were some witty and funny comments based on things she mentioned in her profile, but um, I have to receive a response.

The girl that messaged me yesterday has yet to respond to me as well. I have a feeling that this is going to be a pattern.

Meh.

Speaking of chicks, I was watching the Chris Rock documentary, Good Hair, and it was pretty awesome and hilarious. If you haven’t seen it, it’s about the thousands of dollars African American women spend to get straight, weaved hair, which comes from India.

Let me first say HOLY CRAP there were a lot of hot black chicks in the documentary. One of them was Nia Long, the chick that was dating Will Smith in Fresh Prince. She was looking fine. All of the ladies were. There were a lot of funny parts in it, but the funniest for me was how if you’re having sex with black lady, DO NOT FUCKING TOUCH HER HAIR or she will literally beat the shit out of you.

Nia Long said if she’s having sex with you, there’s only one position allowed, and that’s her on top. Which naturally gave me a nice visual in my head of a hot black woman riding me.

Half Naked Girl In Booty Shorts Was Not A Photo Opportunity

January 8th, 2011 • Babes • No comments

via Very Special Porn

I was walking home earlier today after getting some grocery’s, and as I’m walking down the street, I see a big group of guys standing outside the condo next to mine, all of them facing the door, talking to someone whom I couldn’t see.

I get closer, turn my head, and peaking through these guys that were well over 6ft tall, I see this amazingly hot girl standing inside the condo with the front door open, with her wearing nothing but booty shorts and a tight top that was barely covering up her gorgeous, round, fresh looking tits.

Unfortunately, I was unable to see if there was a cameltoe in the house.

Dear Men’s Health, Chicks With Tattoos Are Freaks In The Bedroom

January 8th, 2011 • Babes, Random • No comments

I was browsing through Twitter this morning and Men’s Health magazine had a link to a question regarding women with tattoo’s, and whether or not they’re freaks in bed.

Now, “freaks in bed” is certainly a relative term, just like “sex addict”. I remember reading a quote once that said that only people that don’t have sex often call those that do sex addicts.

I guess everyone I know is a sex addict then. HA! See what I did there? Oh…wait…

What is a freak in bed? For men, that boundry just keeps getting pushed more and more the more porn they watch. So they expect girls to do those things. Unfortunately, finding a girl to do ass to mouth in real life is a tad difficult. Then again, I never get laid anyway so I have no idea.

Back to the question that Men’s Health was asked.
If a woman is covered in tattoos, does it mean she’s a freak in the bedroom?
via Men’s Health
Their answer?

No. Unless her tats spell out “I ? latex & ball gags,” a woman’s aesthetic says nothing about her kinks.

I call bullshit. Girls with tattoos are by nature far more open minded than girls without tattoos. It makes perfect logical sense. Any person willing to have someone take a sharp needle and draw on them with permanent ink for hours, if not days, just to draw some stupid Chinese characters that they don’t even know the meaning of and will look like shit when they’re over the age of 35 is by nature more open minded and would be interested in trying anal…or whatever else the kids are doing these days.

I personally love girls with tattoos. They are so hot. Goth girls, emo girls, you name it. Only problem is, those girls, along with non tattoo women also love men with tattoos, which I do not have and wouldn’t really want to get.

Though I was thinking of getting the Vancouver Canucks logo tattoo’d onto my left shoulder and the team Canada logo tattoo’d to my right shoulder.

I mentioned that to my hair stylist and she said it was stupid. She’s hot, so I do whatever she says.

A Girl Messaged Me On POF!!!!!

January 7th, 2011 • Babes • No comments

My favorite team in the NHL, the Vancouver Canucks, play the Rick Flair WOOOOOOOOO! piece every time they score a goal. Well, I think I should have that played for me right now as HOLY CRAP a cute girl just messaged me from POF.

I won’t post my entire profile here, but basically I wrote some shit, and towards the end I write some stuff about how I have no chance with any female, and that I’m short and ugly blah blah blah.

Whether or not I believe the stuff I write is another story, but since I changed up my profile and added the short and ugly bit, I’ve had a lot more girls view my profile. I’m sure its all out of curiosity.

“Why would anyone write this about themselves?” etc.

Well one girl finally wrote me with:

Wow, your brand of ‘reverse psychology feeling sorry for yourself to get girls to message me profile’ gave me a laugh.

Personally I’m more attracted to Hispanic/Middle Eastern men than white men…maybe cos I’m blond…who knows.

Anyways, your assessment of chicks is wrong.

I have no idea what to reply with. I was thinking of going with “shhhhh…don’t tell anyone…it was supposed to be a secret”…or something of that sort.

Meh I have no idea. Maybe I’ll go ask the concierge at the front desk what she’d do. No. Wait. That’s a bad idea.

The photo above? That’s Dana DeArmond having a taco…well…licking it anyway.
Follow her on Twitter at http://twitter.com/#!/danadearmond

Yoga – To Do Or Not To Do

January 7th, 2011 • Babes, Video • No comments

Via Very Special Porn (veryspecialporn.tumblr.com)

I just moved into my new building a little less than a month ago, and at the front concierge desk there’s little flyers/brochures for offers ranging from personal trainers to dog walkers.

One that I came across was for Yoga at a place literally around the corner from my building.

I’ve always wanted to Yoga, considering its a hot bed (literally) of hot (literally) women. The one thing thats been holding me back has been the having to buy the freaking attire for it, and that, according to some, you fart non stop.

A, I don’t want to go in there looking like a scrub who just rolled out of bed, and B, I’ve smelled my farts, and let me tell you, I don’t care what Jake Harper on Two And A Half Men says, my farts are by far the worst. Though I imagine they won’t be as that bad out in an open-ish area, compared to what it is in the shower, which could literally kill an entire population of a small country.

So I could go to LuLu Lemon and pay for over priced yoga clothing and see if I could meet girls that way. I remember one of my reasons for joining the gym was to meet some girls. That didn’t exactly work out as I planned.

The only time me buying something allowed me to meet hot girls was when I was 11 and had my parents buy me roller blades because I knew the hot girls that were in our apartment building would let me roller blade with them.

Wow. So in the last 16 years, none of my ideas on meeting girls have worked.

A little depressing.

Back to yoga. I think I’ll try it out. I’ll shave to my arm pit hairs…and maybe wax my chest. Trust me, being hairy and getting all sweaty at the same time is not a good combo.

I recall a time at the gym where I was working out and had my arms in there, WOW, like a punch in the face I could smell my arm pits. They made my farts smell like roses.

Anyway, if you have any experiences with yoga classes, and meeting hot women at said yoga classes, let me know.

Or…maybe I could just take private lessons.

Californication – Season 4 Starts Tonight!

January 7th, 2011 • Babes, Celebs, Video • No comments

Correction: It starts on Monday, in Canada anyway. Fuck.

The man I wish I was, known around here as the Girl Whisperer, returns to the small screen tonight to claim all the vagina he can. That’s right friends, Hank Moody, the writer that bangs the hottest legal vagina’s (and one underage vagina by accident) is back for season 4!

Going by the trailer, this promises to be another amazing season.

Season 3 ended with Hank going to jail for banging the underage Mia Lewis (banged in season 1) played by Madeline Zima (that he didn’t know was underage when he banged her). That final scene of season 3 was really quite powerful. David Duchovny and the writers did a great job making us feel horrible for a guy that can get any piece of ass with a snap of his fingers.

Rob Lowe makes a guest appearance this season, which, going by the few scenes I’ve seen so far, add a whole new depth of awesomeness to the show.

No word if Susan Sarandons daughter, Eva Amurri, who played the luscious Jackie in 9 episodes in season 3 will return. Her stripping is an image that has been tattoo’d to my brain for eternity.

Enjoy the episode kids! It promises to be another great season!

Hot Girls At My Buildings Gym

January 5th, 2011 • Babes • No comments

The weather has been pretty crappy lately, and a coworker brought in 4 boxes of chocolates that he had left over from the holidays and wanted out of his house. As soon as he brought it in I knew it was going to be bad news.

Bad weather = me wanting comfort food. Before I knew it, I had already eaten 5 pieces and was starting to feel like crap. I knew I’d have to hit the gym right after work to work off some of those calories.

I get home, get changed, and take the elevator down one level to my buildings gym. It’s usually pretty empty in there (when I go anyway), but tonight, the stars must have been aligned or something because holy crap there was a shit load of hot girls in there.

And remember in my previous post where I mentioned that I usually know if I’ll like someone or hate them? Well the dude that was skipping rope before was in there, and he’s also a personal trainer who just happened to be training to fine women tonight.

See, what did I tell you? I knew I’d hate this guy!

The other hot girls were in there with their boyfriends.

I shouldn’t complain, as one of my new years resolutions was to stop complaining like a little baby, but seriously man, is every fucking person in a god damn relationship?

I’ve literally lost all of my friends because they’re either in a relationship or married now and can’t do anything anymore because of it.

Be nice to get laid. That would probably calm me down.

POF really ain’t working out.

Someone Responded…But She Doesn’t Want To Meet!

January 4th, 2011 • Random • No comments

Praise the lord, someone finally responded to me on POF earlier tonight.

I had messaged her the other day, picking out a couple things she wrote in her profile that I teased her with, and suggested maybe a coffee sometime. She responded with:

Lol you’re a funny guy thanks for the email and looking over my page. Hope all is well
with you and that you had an awesome New years!! Take care

A

I was a little confused by her response as she didn’t really respond to the coffee part. I write back with:

Heh thanks

So I’m a little slow at taking hints…was that a no on the coffee?
:p

Her response:

Lol i’m sorry i don’t go out often from this site anyways but thanks for offering

Pshhhh. Whatever lady. I’m 99.99% sure she’s just being nice. It’s too bad as this girl was super cute with some great curves.

Meh.

Speaking of hot chicks that are going to reject me, there was this gorgeous girl on the train this morning. I couldn’t tell if she was Persian or East Indian (both nationality’s that have consistently rejected me) but damn she was fine.

Oh, and back to POF. I’ve been suggesting coffee in my first message to these girls, and I’m guessing that may be my problem to getting responses. But good lord man, how many damn things can I talk about over email with these girls when they’ve written short stories about themselves on their profiles.

It’s just a lot easier to meet in person and chat on the fly, for me anyway.

I Already Know I Won’t Like You

January 3rd, 2011 • Random • No comments

You ever meet someone and know right away that you won’t like them?

I’ve found that anyone that skips rope at the gym, I don’t like. In the new building that I just moved into, I was in the gym in my building and there’s this dude that skips rope, and right away that annoyed me.

I see him the following day with his hot girlfriend and that just added to my “hatred” of him.

There was another guy like that at my old gym and he would do all these crazy things with the big ball there, and I knew he’d be one of those people that I would dislike.

One day I walk into the gym room, and this dude has his shit all over the fucking place. When I ask him (nicely) if I could move his stuff over a little so I could put my bag onto the bench, he looks at me with a look like I just anally raped his kitten and says “wait…God…”.

See, I always know.

Oh, and if any of you are wondering about how POF is going for me, well, it still sucks. I sent messages to a few more girls and no responses yet.

I mean, seriously! It’s not like I’m some sort of freak with three eyes and no nose, and I’m not asking the perfect 10 girls.

Don’t you hate it when fat chicks have standards?

Online Dating

January 2nd, 2011 • Random • No comments

So I’ve been pretty bored lately and haven’t had a lot to do other than go to the gym and walk around, so I decided to sign up on a dating site and see what was going on.

If you’re curious, I signed up on POF, like everyone else it seems.

I set up my profile, put up an image, wrote some stuff about myself, and went fishing :p

Browsing the ads, I decided not to go after the perfect 10 girls, because A, they’re all high maintenance, B, I pretty much have no chance with them (maybe that should have been A, and C, even if I wanted to send them something, just going through all those ads and seeing the damn novels these perfect 10 girls like to write about themselves was just giving me a major headache.

I can’t believe they expect a guy to read 5 long paragraphs. I get why they do it, but how about I just find these things out about you?

Whoops, now I’m the one blabbering on.

As I was saying, I decided not to go for the perfect 10′s, and just stick to the ones that seem down to earth, cute, and where I think I’d have a chance with them. I even decided to ignore one of my own rules, which is to not even bother trying with Asian girls.

You’re probably wanting me to tell you whether or not I got any responses or not, and what I wrote to these girls.

Well, I really hate going back and forth on emails, it just seems stupid as the whole point is to eventually meet a person.

I scanned their write-ups, picked something interesting they wrote about themselves, and included that in my email to them. For example, this one girl wrote that she collects Mr.Potato Head dolls (Yes, I know how to pick them!), so I wrote something about how we should meet for a coffee and she can bring her collection to Starbucks and show me. Though in reality I’m hoping she doesn’t as that would be rather strange.

This went on for most of the weekend, scanning through profiles, sending emails, etc. I figured after all the emails I sent, there had to be ONE girl that would write me back. Just ONE. That’s all I was wanting.

Unfortunately, I got nada. They all read my emails, read my profile, saw my picture, and nothing. Nada. Zilch. The Asian girls were a write-off anyway, so I’m not too disappointed by that (I’m lying, I am! They were pretty damn cute!).

So now I’m watching WALL-E on, laying on a couch with my laptop laying on my mid section area probably roasting my balls and preventing me from being able to procreate in the future. Though at this rate that’s not really going to be an issue anyway.

It’s funny. I went to the grocery store again today, and talked to one of the cute girls that works there. She looked like hell today, but whatever. I asked her how her New Years was, and she said she spent it with her boyfriend, just watching a movie.

Well….good thing I didn’t bother asking her out! I’m pretty sure the other cute girls that work there all have boyfriends as well.

It’s not so much that I want a girlfriend, as I don’t. Relationships today don’t last and people in them are miserable. It’s more that I’m just bored. I wouldn’t mind a hot, tall, blond with big tits and a cameltoe to just hangout with me.

Maybe Hugh Hefner or Uncle Charlie have one to spare?

Anyway, walking back home from the grocery store, I see all these guys with girlfriends that would seem to be to be way out of their league, but, yet, there they are…literally two steps away from being a bum and asking me for change, but having the hottest girlfriend.

Obviously, these assholes had the balls to go up to these girls and start a conversation and take it from there. I wish I had balls like that. Mine are being roasted right now.

Watching Hot Tub Time Machine which was filmed in my neck of the woods (WALL-E was boring me), and the women in this movie are hot.

If there’s any updates on the online dating thing, I’ll let you know.

Cute Cashiers

January 1st, 2011 • Random, Video • No comments

You ever go to the grocery store and say to yourself “Wow, all these cashier chicks here are really cute!”?

The place I go to has me saying that all the time now.

The girls, almost all of them, are filipino, fit, small, and short. Damn. Now I know I’ve mentioned that all Asian women are racists that only like white guys and or Asian guys, but they’ve gotten me to the point where I want to ask them out, even though I know I’ll be rejected.

They’ll probably just tell me to fuck off as they’re asking me if I want my stuff double bagged.

Meh, as Jesse Jackson likes to say….keep hope alive!

Oh, and the cutest cashier ever…Meadow Soprano…

100% Foolproof Tips To Prevent Rape And/Or Sexual Assault

December 31st, 2010 • Babes, Random • No comments

Ginger Lee posted this hilarious graphic on her blog, so I figured I post it here as well.

The second to last one is funny….but what if you’re in a relationship already with said person, does that really constitute rape if she/he is asleep?

Check out her blog though, she’s got some cool stuff there. Definitely more than just a porn star.

The Jersey Shore New Years

December 31st, 2010 • Babes, Celebs • No comments

I would so tap Snooki and Jwoww. I don’t care what anyone says, they’re hot….with all that makeup on.

Dear New Years – Fuck You Very Much

December 31st, 2010 • Video • No comments

I had to go out and get something, and while I was out I saw all the girls dressed to the 10s, looking hot as hell, with me having no shot in hell with them.

My head hurts.

What I would give to be impotent. It would make my life so much easier.

As far as I’m concerned, evolution totally fucked up with giving us males these ridiculous non-stop sex drives.

Hot Banker

December 31st, 2010 • Babes, Random, Video • No comments

I was at the bank the other day waiting for my banker to see me so I could set up some automatic payments into a different retirement account. Turns out, the dude was sick with a cold and didn’t come in.

No worries, they send in their hot assistant manager. As she’s walking me to her office, she turns and says to me “I hope I’m not too much of a disappointment from Mike.”

Now I don’t exactly remember the words that came out of my mouth, but in my head I was thinking “I would love to bend her over her desk right now and give her a good pummeling.”

It’s good to have that block in my brain that prevents me from saying how I really feel.

She was this gorgeous East Indian girl. Fit, great smile, all around awesome. Unfortunately like Asian girls, East Indian women are just as racist where they only like white guys or East Indian men.

I don’t think I’ll ever get laid again.

And here’s a banker that said she was fired for being too hot.

Miss me?

December 31st, 2010 • Babes, Celebs • No comments

So I haven’t posted in a while, mainly due to my lazyness and the fact that I was busy moving.

Anyway, it’s NYE and I have no plans tonight. I was hoping to get find a girl to come over and hangout, but I think I’ll be ending 2010 and starting 2011 the same way as I usually do things, which is alone, bored, and a little bitter.

I moved into a new condo that I purchased and let me tell you, there are some hot ass women in this building. Very. Hot.

I naturally have no shot with any of them, which just adds to my rage. I see a lot of them with their boyfriends, and I’m just left shaking my head at how these guys manage to get these girls. I know women don’t care about looks as much as guys do, it’s all about the personality BLAH BLAH BLAH bullshit but meh.

Every time I see these girls my wallet feels a little lighter.

I wouldn’t mind getting laid though. That would be nice, I won’t lie.

I’ve been talking to a lot of Asian chicks lately, and let me tell you, they’re all racist. If you’re not white or Asian, you got no shot. But what makes it weirder is that even the ones that aren’t as racist, none of them seem to be into sex. They all seem to find it dirty and rather play with their Hello Kitty dolls.

Back to normal women. Here we have Playboy bunnies Pilar Lastra (L) and Sara Jean Underwood (R) attending some Charity thing in LA.

If you know any desperate women that are up for some action, let me know.

Paris Hilton Does Jimmy Kimmel

November 25th, 2010 • Celebs • No comments

Well, not literally, but she was on his show last night and I missed it. Oh my god I know right?!? How will I go on.

She was signing autographs for her fans. I’ll be honest. My brain has checked out on this post. It’s snowing like hell outside and I’m sitting here in my underwear.

So either look at these pictures or have a visual of me in my underwear in your head.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Victoria’s Secret Is My Favorite Holiday Gift

November 22nd, 2010 • Babes, Celebs • No comments

Victoria’s Secret models Chanel Iman, Adriana Lima, Erin Heatherton and Lily Aldridge were at the Victoria’s Secret shop in SoHo revealing their favorite gifts.

Personally, I think they’re wearing too many clothes.

Rosie Jones Is The Woman You’d Love Your Woman To Be Like

November 15th, 2010 • Babes, Video • No comments

DO I really need to say anything about the awesomeness of this video? I didn’t think so.

Teenagers Dream About Katy Perry

November 14th, 2010 • Babes, Celebs • No comments

Katy Perry took her enormous rack to the Teen Awards 2010 and teased all the boys with her magical rack.

It is magical you know. Those Apple commercials where they call the iPad magical, I doubt any of them have yet to see Katy Perry’s great tits.

One of God’s wonders indeed.

The 2010 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show

November 10th, 2010 • Babes, Celebs • No comments

The Victoria’s Secret fashion show, which airs at the end of the month was taped in NYC earlier with Katy Perry as the featured singer.

I don’t know what a guy has to do to get invited to this show. I’ve seen that guy that was in that movie with that chick from Saved By The Bell who played a stripper there. What the fuck?